A Day of Being and Butterfies

Journal Entry 5/7/2010,

   “I dream of a day that I can do what I want, when I want.  A little freedom, is it really too much to ask for?  Just one day where I am not beholden to the obligations and expectation of others?  If I want to go for a walk, I will.  If I want to read, I do so.  If I want to sleep, dance, kayak, hit golf balls or write I will. And all of this without Father Time hovering over my shoulder and telling me that I have things to do and places to be.  I don’t envision this dream ever coming true.  Really I don’t.  

 During most of my waking hours I march to the beat of a drum.  It is the drum of commitments and obligations. My mind falls in line each and every time, but my heart rarely does.  My heart wishes to explore, to breathe and be free.   I yearn for the simple moments to touch my taste buds of life and let them burst and expand.  What is like to experience a “me” moment?  Purely, I just want a day to BE.”

 And then unexpectedly dreams do come true.  September of this year I traveled to Whitefish Montana for a writing retreat. The trip was my fiftieth birthday gift to myself. This was a huge step in putting me first. The past several years I have been drawn to the cadence of the written word.  They convey thoughts and feelings that the numbers I have lived with most of my life do not. Words are raw and they are real.  Yes, numbers balance, they make sense.  But words are alluring.  They possess mystery, wit and wisdom but more importantly they invoke emotions.

  When I made my arrangements I decided to travel to Montana a few days prior to the start of the retreat. For the first leg of my journey I booked a homey rustic bed and breakfast that was recommended by the retreat instructor.    

  My first full day in Montana I was anxious to explore after enjoying a savory breakfast and friendly conversation with my fellow guests I asked the owner for some assistance in charting my sightseeing tour.  He was very accommodating. With pen and marker in hand he began to trace a route along the map.  He suggested a trip to East Glacier National Park.  It was a two hour drive from Whitefish but I was assured along the way there were some wonderful views.  The Lodge owner then asked “Do you have bear spray?”  Surprised I replied “No, I didn’t pack any. I don’t even know where or if they sell it in New York.”  He said “Would you like to take a canister along with you?”  “Of course” I said and in that moment I thought, hmmmm this IS going to be an adventure.

 

 I packed the bear spray along with some water, snacks, sunscreen, my journal, a pen and a camera in my sling bag.  I was all set to go when that all too familiar voice of doubt chimed in “Are you really sure you want to go out alone?”  In that instant I considered spending the day at the lodge reading and relaxing.  But then I said to myself “Go, seek and see!  You didn’t come here to sit and read.”  So off I went.

 It was a warm fall day.  The sun positioned itself high within the deep blue sky and it illuminate all the magnificence that resided below.  I was soaking in every element around me and appreciating each and every gift presented. Finally, I had a day with no obligations.  I was wearing a watch but it was purely a fashion accessory. Time was not a measurement that I needed to keep.  Where I was traveling, I knew no one, I had no obligations.  I wasn’t expected to be anywhere at any specific time.  I moved freely.  Where I wanted to go and what I wanted do was totally up to me.

As I drove towards East Glacier National Park I was in awe of the breathtaking beauty that surrounded me. The mountains wrapped me within their welcoming embrace. I noticed a pull off area next to a river so I stopped simply because I could.  I walked towards the shoreline and collected a few river rocks and sat along the bank and listened.  As the water effortlessly flowed the river sang me its life song. It was comforting and sweet.  It spoke of movement, travel and change it also whispered of life’s perfectly appointed ebbs and flows. Bliss I thought, this is pure bliss.  As I made my way back to my car I was joined by a Monarch Butterfly. The prior few weeks they had been appearing around me in New York and now they were with me in Montana.  Their message is clear.  This is a time of transformation.  As I neared the car I looked down and there was another message…..a pure white rock among all of the colorful river rocks and it was in the shape of a heart! 

  Along my way I stopped at Goat Lick Lookout.  The goats were hiding but I did look out.  Perched high upon the mountain top I snapped several pictures. Someday when my memories fade I will have the pictures to look at and recall my experience and reconnect with my feelings at that particular moment. As I walked I spoke to the people I met along the path.  Isn’t that what life is really all about?  Engaging those that you meet along your journey, we arrive at that same point for a shared reason, purpose or experience.

 I loved the ride to the Park.  There was so much natural beauty to absorb.  I entered East Glacier National Park and followed the signs to Eagle Falls.  As I was driving in I saw a young man walking up a hill on the right hand side of the road.  No big deal, a tourist walking I thought, but then from in front of him emerged a large, dark black figure that was walking on all fours.  Yes, it was a bear crossing the road!  I was so very grateful that I was behind the wheel of my rental car!

  When I arrived at Eagle Falls I took a picture of the placard that was situated at the entrance of the trail.  This is my way of marking my photos so I know where each series was taken.  As I snapped the picture I noticed an orange blur in the bottom right hand corner.  It was another Monarch Butterfly passing by.   I walked towards the falls and when I arrived I sat by the river and I began writing my journal. I felt compelled to capture my feeling on the page.  I was grateful for the sunshine, the sky, for my freedom and for life.

  Scattered along the sides of the river were deliberately stacked river rocks. I wondered who had created these purposeful gifts and left them behind for others to enjoy. What was their intent and more importantly their story? Why did one rock precede the other? These impromptu statues intrigued me and caused me to think about the layers of our lives. Each section of the statue represented a different phase or stage of our lives and each was perfectly aligned and placed.

  As I was enjoying myself on this leg of my journey I encountered a family sharing the day.  The son and wife were exploring but the husband stopped to talk with me. He was friendly and accommodating and graciously he shared his knowledge about the Park.  With his map in hand he pointed out the next places I should visit.  We finished our conversation and he rejoined his family.

  In awe I watched the falls and took a few more pictures.  And what do you think was around me during this whole time?  Yes, another Monarch Butterfly. I understand the message. Much like a caterpillar emerging from its chrysalis I am changing, morphing and growing into a new form of me. 

  With each step I took the experience became fuller and richer. I drove to Two Medicine Lake.   When I saw the lake it stole my breath and spoke to me with deep reverence.  It was expansive and majestic.  With the steep mountains closely encasing the lake I felt safe and protected.   I had entered a womb created by Mother Nature.  As the lake gently rolled upon the shore and touched the rocks along the outer edges of her reach the water ignited their colors, with each pass the rocks became more vibrant and alive.  Isn’t this how life is?  Don’t people or events travel into your life with the purpose of igniting your passion or to restore your vibrancy?

  Two Medicine Lake in East Glacier National Park is purely heaven on earth, nothing more to say. When you step onto upon river rocks that line the shore they gently whisper to you.  Their colors enter your soul. They say wherever you are along your path you are just where you are meant to be. If your step causes the rocks to shift, that too is okay.  And contained therein is another life message, when a shift occurs, either large or small, it just means that your path is meant to readjust and realign.  Go with it…just be. 

  After sitting by the lake for a while I decided to take a short hike to Serenity Point.  The path was quiet. On the way up I did not encounter another person.  But I did see evidence of life, animal droppings.  I thought of the bear spray in my backpack and I realized that in my haste to get on the road and start my adventure I had not read the directions.  Now that was really “smart” I thought. If I encounter a bear I would have to say. ”Oh Mr. Bear wait, I need to put my glasses on and read the instructions before I can spray you!”  As quickly as that thought came to my mind I released it and along with the thought I sent my fear packing.  I knew it was not my day to come face to face with a bear.

It is apparent why that spot in the Park is called Serenity Point.  That is the feeling that overcomes you when you stand there. It is quiet, serene and so very peaceful.  And as much as I wanted to stay there I knew that my day of exploration was nearing its end.  I made my way back towards my car and as I did a Monarch Butterfly flew before me.  Once again, I was blessed by another perfectly simple gift.

  Upon my return to the lodge I enjoyed a glass of wine on the deck that adjoined my room.  As the sun retreated for the day so did I.  I enjoyed a warm sea salt bath and then went to bed.  As I wrapped myself in the blankets and I relived the moments of the day. Each moment is a snapshot in time.  However in each and every one that day I was present, totally present.  I simply enjoyed whatever appeared before me.  Every moment mattered and not one was wasted.

  As I was drifting off to sleep I was reminded of something that occurred on my drive back from the Park.  As I was leaving I picked up a sandwich at a little store located near the Park’s entrance.  I ate it while I was driving.  With the sandwich in my right hand and my left hand on the steering wheel in the twelve o’clock position I was heading towards the descending sun.  Suddenly the windshield wipers made a single pass along the glass.  It was not of my doing.  My hands were nowhere near windshield wiper controls.  This was a final message from the Universe.  It said, “I know you enjoyed every moment of your long overdue day of being, just purely and simply being. And perhaps now your heart’s vision is clear.”