A Sunday Meditative Paddle

  I so love summer!!!  I believe it is the most magical time of the year.  The days are long and the light is bright.  There is color, beauty and life at every corner.  The leaves, flowers, grass, clouds, sky, sun and moon all throw in there two cents.  They all speak loudly and clearly.  Saying look, enjoy, be alive and vibrant much like I am!  So I am listening to them this year.  I know there are many closets to clean a garage that needs attention and some painting around the house that is calling me. But if I stay inside and do what needs to get done, I will lose the time to enjoy what I long to do.  So I will procrastinate and put off the inside work to the next rainy day.

  I needed to be outside on such an amazing day.  Today the sun was shining brightly.  The humidity low and the sky, well, it was so very blue.  So even though my usual kayak buddies were unavailable, I packed my rig, paddle, life vest, water bottle and camera.  Off I went for an adventure of my own.

  I got to the lake, unloaded the kayak, parked the van and returned for my solitary send off.  It was easy, it went smoothly.  I pushed off and my adventure began.  On the lake, unlike the shore, the wind was strong.  The wind defined the lake’s current.  At first I just went with it.  I let it flow through me.  I went in the direction it pointed.  Soon thereafter I garnered my sea legs and charted my own course.

  So I made my way to the first cove.  It was secluded and peaceful.  I paddled closer to shore.  It was then that I discovered that I had a friend looming in the reeds and lily pads.  I paddled within thirty feet, a close, but comfortable distance.  Silently I waited.  Shortly thereafter she emerged from the reeds……….. A beautiful, elegant and majestic swan!  She sized me up as I did her.  And then we began our tour around her cove.  She allowed me to paddle along with her as long as I respected her personal space.  There is something so very calming when you know that you are not alone upon the water.  Someone or something has your back.  We toured her cove, her home and when it was time for me to move onto more expansive waters, she retreated back to her comfort zone.  It was an amazing time upon the water. A time of true connection to the Universe all that is above and below. This creature welcomed me to her home, gave me the grand tour and then released me to the next leg of my journey.

 And journey I did.  I paddled and paddled.  It was difficult against the current, put it was exhilarating to beat the odds so to speak!!   Over the rocks and through the lily pads I paddled. As beautiful as the day was I was amazed at how desolate it was.  I encountered only one fisherman on the shore and a rowboat with two passengers that were surveying the lake.

 So onward I went against the current.  And then I lifted my paddles from the water, closed my eyes and listened.  It was like the Sunday evening meditation group that I attend.  Eyes closed and focused on the simple sounds.  I heard the water lapping against my kayak.  I listened as the birds that continued to sing their sweet song.  I felt the sun upon my face and the wind against my cheek.  I also heard the wind rustling through the leaves.  It was if the wind was a bow that was gently caressing the strings of the violin.  The sound was sweet, pure and unencumbered. I opened my eyes and watched the clouds much like I did as a young child. In those fluffy layers of matter I saw a unicorn, a turtle, an angel, a train, an eagle, a cow and a heart.  How very wonderful to spend time watching the clouds change their forms and sending message to us below….Total bliss! 

  As much as I didn’t want to leave this place of beauty I knew that I was overstepping my bounds of freedom.  These moments were going to have to last for a week.  They are going to have to carry me.  Each time I Iook out my office window I will close my eyes and remember.  I will retreat to my Sunday on the lake.  The sound of water kissing the shore, the grace of the swan guiding me out of her cove and the sound of the wind whispering her name to me………….

  Here in lies the lesson, take time for you.  Whatever it may be that calls to you.  It could be a walk around the block, a trip to the mall, a long drive or some alone time to read a book.  Replenish yourself. Reconnect with who you are. And above all else, cherish the gift of these moments and for acknowledging their importance.  I am eternally grateful for my time upon the lake today.  Find your "you" time.  If you don’t replenish yourself, you will not be able to fully give yourself to others!

Altered Lives

Within this past month two of my co-workers have suffered the sudden loss of a loved one.  Four weeks ago one woman lost her fifty-nine year old husband.  After dinner at their campground he got up from the picnic table, took one step, collapsed and died instantaneously. 

  This morning another of my co-workers informed me that her nephew’s thirty nine year old wife succumbed to and a very aggressive form of breast cancer.  She was diagnosed in April of 2010.  She leaves behind a husband, a twelve year old son and a ten year old daughter. 

  I cannot imagine the heartache, the loss and devastation that these people must be feeling.  It is like that water glass that slips through your fingers, crashes to the ground and shatters into many jagged pieces.  One minute you are holding the vessel that housed an essential element of life, water, the next moment that vessel that contained the source of life is gone.  Much like those sudden passing’s the survivors are left to reassemble the shards of glass and make some sense of their new reality.

  When we arrive on this earth not one of us is given any guarantee of a certain number of minutes, days, week, months or years that we will be here.  The sad thing is that most of us, including myself lose sight of this fact.  We worry continually about things that we cannot control.  We hold on to anger and harbor it as if it is our birth right! While focusing on the negative we fail to notice the simple things in life, the goodness in people, and the beauty that surrounds us on this planet. 

   So the devastation that my co-workers have suffered recently got me thinking of all that I take for granted and all that I am grateful for.  Here is my list.

Ø  The  smell of fresh brewed coffee in the morning

Ø  The way my twenty year old daughter ends every phone call to me by saying “I love you.”

Ø  The warm feeling of sunshine on my face.

Ø  The blazing red, yellow and orange colors that the fall leaves paint the landscape with.

Ø  The ability to get out of bed each day pain free and be productive

Ø  The smell of Christmas pine.

Ø  The gentleness of my husband’s hand and spirit.

Ø  The gift of true friends

Ø  The pre dawn wakeup call from the newest resident in our neighborhood, the wise owl.

Ø  The feel of sand beneath my feet and the surf upon my toes.

Ø  The peaceful quietness of summer mornings.

Ø  The smell of an apple pie baking

Ø  The warmth of a hug from my Mom and Dad

Ø  The  peacefulness and pureness of a nighttime snowfall

Ø  The quirky way my son says “the thing is…” as he starts many of his sentences.

Ø  The love and support of my sisters.

Ø  A fireplace with a roaring fire.

Ø  The smell of a newborn baby.

Ø  A gentle sunrise and a fiery sunset.

Ø  My children’s smiles

Ø  The sound of a flowing stream

Ø  Summer nights sitting on my deck watching the dance of the fireflies

  Upon review of my list I am drawn to one common thread.  The things that I am grateful for and take for granted are the purest of things in life.  These are not acquired by financial wealth, but rather from the wealth of spirit, heart and connection.

 There is no guarantee of a tomorrow, all we have is today, so soak it in, enjoy it, and savor it. Treat others the way you want to be treated.  Breathe in deeply, love fully, smile always and may your heart be forever joyful!

  So what is on your gratitude list?

Message in the Milkweed...............

Entering the time that is called the “middle age” brings on so very many thoughts and emotions.  It seems as if that one day you are a kid chasing dreams, ice cream trucks and balloons and before you know it you are learning to drive a car, then, you’re a college student, a young adult, and somehow you became a parent yourself.   All of a sudden you wake up one day and BOOM; here you are a “middle aged person”.   Now, how the hell did this happen? 

  As I have approached this time I’ve realized that the old scripts of my youth no longer sing true.  They do not resonate with what I am feeling within, or who I am now.  As women we have spent and devoted so many hours, days and years of our lives, our energy and our being in the pursuit of satisfying others. Now at this point in my life I find myself like that dried out sponge yearning for the rain to drizzle down and soak into my soul.  I crave to be renewed and restored.  I need this water, this nourishment from above to speak to me, show me a new way and renew my being.  Each drop brings some sort of connection, clarity, calm and peace.  It fills a piece of the new puzzle I call self.

  In an attempt to quench my every increasing thirst I began MAKING time for me.  I emphasize the making part, because prior I always had an excuse why I couldn’t do this or that.  The next obligation was always looming. I had to do this, or I had to be there.  All, to satisfy someone else.  I realized that I needed to strike a balance in order to survive and move forward.  I was of no use to others or I myself was totally depleted. 

  I began to make small changes.  I did not say yes to every invitation.  Oh, yes, I did have guilt for saying NO and changed my mind a few times, but for the most part I stuck by my original decision.  It is difficult to consider your own feelings when you are conditioned to put everyone else first.

   Last fall I began taking walks during my lunch hour instead of doing my usual running of errands for the family or my part time jobs.  The one hour was devoted to me. It was about what I wanted to do, not what everyone else needed need from me.

   I welcomed the route before me. I invited the sun, the clouds, the wind, the rain, or whoever decided to join us on a particular day.  And now during these walks I brought along my small camera.  While I was growing up I developed a love affair with photography.  I even converted my Mother’s laundry room into a photographic dark room.  Mom and I happily coexisted.  Her laundry drying on the lines next to my home developed 8x10 black and white photos.  Looking back, that time with my camera, the chemicals and the developer were magical.  I actually watched the scene and photo develop before my eyes.  Now at this age, I am feeling and sensing the growth and development within.

  I do not believe that we ever walk our path alone.  We are always watched over and guided, even when it seems as if we have been abandoned.  Someone is always with us, carrying us during the difficult times.   So, one November afternoon I took my lunch time walk with my camera in tow.  I breathed in the crispness of the air. It was strong and it felt so very good.  I yearned for freedom from those four walls that confined me and I prayed for peace.  and all the while I was graced by an amazing autumn sun.  As I walked along the path I snapped many photos.  When I looked at the photos that evening and enlarged them to a full sized computer screen I was taken aback by one in particular.  It was a message in the milkweed.  The message was clear and strong.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  THERE ARE ANGELS WATCHING OVER YOU AND WALKING WITH YOU!! 

  Nothing stays the same. Not rising of the moon or the setting of the sun. The sanctuary or our youth passes quickly.  So quickly that we don’t even recognize it. So, now I try to find the time each day to notice the beauty that is around me.  However simple or complicated it may seem.  Listen closely.  There are messages and angels around.  Open you heart and mind to them…..and if you need to, look to the milkweed to find them, they are there……………..

One Sun.......One Moon......

Thoughts from April 21, 2011.....

After spending another day at work trying to alleviate the abundant frustration and finger pointing I had an overwhelming need to just be outside.  After dinner I decided to go for a walk.  The sun was still shining brightly and the wind was blowing forcefully.  I felt that the wind would cleanse the toxic feelings that were being spewed upon me all day.

It feels good not to be confined between four walls. The warmth from the sun, the gentle caresses from the wind combined with the freshness of a spring evening was just what I need.  I proceeded to cross the highway and walk the one mile mountain that goes straight up and crests at the best home I ever knew, Mom and Dad’s.  I was about 200 yards into my incline therapy and as I looked up and saw how much more lie ahead of me and I thought “I can’t do this tonight.”  But then, I took a deep breath and whispered to myself “yes you can”, so I lowered my gaze on what was immediately in front of me and continued.  Soon the cadence of the movement took over and before I knew it I was in what I call a meditative walk.

 I’ve defined a meditative walk as this:   A walk in which the steps are not measured nor the distance gauged. The mind takes over, peacefulness seeps into the soul and you look up and somehow you have arrived at your destination. 

By the time I looked up again I was already halfway up the mountain and I found my thoughts wandering.  This is what crossed my mind. 

 We all know that there is just one sun and just one moon.  Simple fact, duh! Nothing earth shattering here! But wait, think about it this way: 

The morning sun that streams through my office window and brings me joy is the same sun that reflects on the flag draped casket of a soldier.

 The sun that my friends on spring break in Florida enjoyed while playing on the beach today is the same sun that the survivors of the earthquake in Japan are looking to for warmth. 

The sun that brought me comfort on this walk is the same sun that my friend in Montana will feel on her back as she mounts her trusty Morgan for that trail ride in the mountains.

  And the moon…

  The moon that illuminates the nursery of an infant during the three a.m. feeding is the same moon light that is streaming light into hospital room of a cancer patient as they await their latest test results. 

The moon that I gaze upon while sitting on my deck is the same moon that my jet setting sister basks in as she walks the streets of Florence, Paris, Singapore, Bahrain  or any other place she chooses to visit. 

The moon light that is present while we peacefully sleep secure in our homes is the same moon that the State Trooper sees as he responds to the desperate call for help that occurs during his night shift. 

Like everything under the heavens, the sun and the moon have their purpose.  The sun provides light, warmth and more importantly is essential in providing the nutrients that our trees, plants and flowers need to grow.  The moon affects the oceans tide, the ebbs and flows of nature.  The sun and the moon are the keepers of the earth’s scales… our balance that is. 

Much like us; the sun and the moon have their emotions.  Sometimes they are shining brightly and illuminating all that is around them. Other times they hide behind the clouds not wanting to reveal themselves at all. And then there are the times they need to be cleansed and cleared.  The rain provides the healing as tears are shed and burdens lifted.   Sometimes they open up and show all that they are, and other times they feel comfortable revealing only that small crescent sliver, the only part of themselves that they are willing to, or can share. 

So yes, there is just one sun and just one moon……….Everyone of us looks at them each day at one time or another.  They are a central binding force.  We share in their warmth, glow, illumination and shadows.  We are all universally connected in more ways than we can ever imagine…………….

Stepping Out ....Rediscovering Yourself

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom.”………Anais Nin

A few years ago I came across this quote.  When I read it for the first time tears filled my eyes.  I had lived this. I knew that exact feeling.  At forty five years old I had never imagined that I would be so very tired. Physically, emotionally and spiritually I was depleted, barren. I was much like a dried out sponge I waiting for some drops of water to refresh and renew me.  How did I get here?  More importantly, I could not see my way out.  I was that hamster that spends his days going around and around on that wheel, but getting nowhere fast. 

Like so very many women today I was trying to be everybody’s everything.  My life consists of a husband, two kids, a home, a full time career position along with two part time obligations.  My job feeds my family, but not my soul. I was the fixer. The go to person to take care of all that needed attention, arranging and insight.

 I found myself getting up day after day just going through the motions.  There were many days when the alarm went off and I placed my feet on the floor and say to myself “I cannot do this again.”  Some days I was so distraught that I would leave the house actually screaming out loud “I hate this!  I can’t do this anymore!”  By the time I would get to work I would have regrouped, put on that smile, as artificial as it was, and navigate my way through another day.  I was lost, so very lost.  I had no idea who I was anymore. I had no idea what I liked to do for me, and I had no idea where to look for it.

The Universe has a way of throwing us life lines.  We need to recognize them, grab hold and embrace them.  Those are the moments that you start to take risks.  Where you step out of yourself and your known comfort zones and open up to new experiences, possibilities, ideas and potential.  As difficult as it was for me to step out of myself I knew I could not continue walking this same path.  At first it was little steps, make time to take a long walk and read more. Then it was larger steps.  Things that a few months prior I would have been too nervous or self conscious to do, I joined a meditation group and took some spiritual based classes.  Through these I gained clarity, perspective and insight.  While doing so I met so many like minded people who experienced many of the same things that I did.  I was slowly regaining myself.  Next I took golf lessons and bought a kayak. It has been a process and continues to be so.  One day a time, but now with my eyes wide open and my head is out of the sand.

So yesterday I was doing my grocery shopping in Walmart.  When it came time to check out I scanned the open registers.  Not only looking for the shortest line but also for one of my “cashier friends”.  I have a habit of making conversation with the cashiers.  I have gotten to know quite a few of them.  They ask me about my family as I do theirs. We talk about many different things; it could be work, sports, kids etc.  It is amazing how much you can learn about a person in a very short time. 

Yesterday I did not see any of my usual friends, so I planted myself on line number eight.  There was woman in the process of checking out and a family in front of me with a two cart order.  Even as line number ten opened with a fresh faced young lady, something told me to stay where I was.  Soon it was my turn.  I loaded the cart full of groceries onto the check out belt.  I approached the cashier.  She was a middle aged petite attractive woman, but I recognized the look in her eyes.  It was distant and empty. In her eyes I saw myself of a few years ago. I asked her if she had a long day.  Yes, she had to work until 9:00 pm.  She said “It is just a well.  I have a house full of company.  Let my husband deal with it.  When I got up this morning I had a sink full of dishes to do.  I am just not up for it.  I can’t be everybody’s everything.” I don’t know why, but I said. “I know the feeling.  A few years back I had lost myself.  I did not know who I was, what I liked to do, or where to even start looking for it.”  She stopped scanning my groceries, her face was flush, her eyes watery and said, “That is exactly the way I feel!” At that moment I could feel her pain.

  I said, “Try to take some time for you, even if it is just to go for a mind clearing walk.”  She replied, “I cannot believe that you said that.  My eleven year old nephew said the same thing to me this morning.  “Auntie”, he said, “you need to do something fun for you, or maybe just take a walk.””

  We continued talking and she had just about finished my order.  As she handed me the last bag she said, “To make it worse, my Mother died when I was twenty.  I have no one to talk to.”  I looked her in the eyes and said. “Keep talking, she hears you, she is listening.” “I know” she said.

I headed out of the store, ventured home unpacked my groceries and started to make a dish that I was bringing to a friend’s house later.  But all the while I couldn’t shake my newfound cashier friend.  So I finished my cooking and grabbed a book from my bedside table.  It was one that I had read early on in my process of re-emergence, “A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman”, by Joan Anderson.  I have read it several times.  I wrote a quick note on a post it and affixed it to the inside cover.  It said:

   “I hope that this brings you some peace and comfort. I found it helpful to know that I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings.  If it doesn’t resonate just drop it in the mail.”

I included my address and headed back over to the store. I waited at the end of checkout lane number eight until she saw me standing there.  I handed her the book and said. “I just had to come back. This book helped me. I hope it does the same for you.”  She held it and looked at me with tears in her eyes. She said “Thank you, you are so sweet.” I gently touched her arm and said “You will be ok.”  I turned and walked away.

  Why did I do that? I really don’t know.  Maybe it was the Universe telling me that it was my turn to throw out a life line to someone in need.  I only hope that she grabs on, embraces it and realizes that she is not alone. Maybe just knowing that someone out there does hear, does care will be the catalyst for her to find her way.

I believe that there are no accidents in life.  We are exactly where we are supposed to be at all times.  There is a reason that I did not see any of my usual cashier friends, there is a reason that I chose checkout line number eight and there is a reason why I remained there when a cashier opened a new line.

I find it ironic that today, July 4^th, Independence Day I decided to start this Blog.  I have been thinking about if for a while, but I have always been insecure, scared and afraid of the reaction I will receive.  I have learned so very much and gone through so very many changes these last several years that this is the next step.  So here I go “stepping outside” of myself once again.  Life is so much better, richer and fuller outside of that tight bud……