“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom.”………Anais Nin
A few years ago I came across this quote. When I read it for the first time tears filled my eyes. I had lived this. I knew that exact feeling. At forty five years old I had never imagined that I would be so very tired. Physically, emotionally and spiritually I was depleted, barren. I was much like a dried out sponge I waiting for some drops of water to refresh and renew me. How did I get here? More importantly, I could not see my way out. I was that hamster that spends his days going around and around on that wheel, but getting nowhere fast.
Like so very many women today I was trying to be everybody’s everything. My life consists of a husband, two kids, a home, a full time career position along with two part time obligations. My job feeds my family, but not my soul. I was the fixer. The go to person to take care of all that needed attention, arranging and insight.
I found myself getting up day after day just going through the motions. There were many days when the alarm went off and I placed my feet on the floor and say to myself “I cannot do this again.” Some days I was so distraught that I would leave the house actually screaming out loud “I hate this! I can’t do this anymore!” By the time I would get to work I would have regrouped, put on that smile, as artificial as it was, and navigate my way through another day. I was lost, so very lost. I had no idea who I was anymore. I had no idea what I liked to do for me, and I had no idea where to look for it.
The Universe has a way of throwing us life lines. We need to recognize them, grab hold and embrace them. Those are the moments that you start to take risks. Where you step out of yourself and your known comfort zones and open up to new experiences, possibilities, ideas and potential. As difficult as it was for me to step out of myself I knew I could not continue walking this same path. At first it was little steps, make time to take a long walk and read more. Then it was larger steps. Things that a few months prior I would have been too nervous or self conscious to do, I joined a meditation group and took some spiritual based classes. Through these I gained clarity, perspective and insight. While doing so I met so many like minded people who experienced many of the same things that I did. I was slowly regaining myself. Next I took golf lessons and bought a kayak. It has been a process and continues to be so. One day a time, but now with my eyes wide open and my head is out of the sand.
So yesterday I was doing my grocery shopping in Walmart. When it came time to check out I scanned the open registers. Not only looking for the shortest line but also for one of my “cashier friends”. I have a habit of making conversation with the cashiers. I have gotten to know quite a few of them. They ask me about my family as I do theirs. We talk about many different things; it could be work, sports, kids etc. It is amazing how much you can learn about a person in a very short time.
Yesterday I did not see any of my usual friends, so I planted myself on line number eight. There was woman in the process of checking out and a family in front of me with a two cart order. Even as line number ten opened with a fresh faced young lady, something told me to stay where I was. Soon it was my turn. I loaded the cart full of groceries onto the check out belt. I approached the cashier. She was a middle aged petite attractive woman, but I recognized the look in her eyes. It was distant and empty. In her eyes I saw myself of a few years ago. I asked her if she had a long day. Yes, she had to work until 9:00 pm. She said “It is just a well. I have a house full of company. Let my husband deal with it. When I got up this morning I had a sink full of dishes to do. I am just not up for it. I can’t be everybody’s everything.” I don’t know why, but I said. “I know the feeling. A few years back I had lost myself. I did not know who I was, what I liked to do, or where to even start looking for it.” She stopped scanning my groceries, her face was flush, her eyes watery and said, “That is exactly the way I feel!” At that moment I could feel her pain.
I said, “Try to take some time for you, even if it is just to go for a mind clearing walk.” She replied, “I cannot believe that you said that. My eleven year old nephew said the same thing to me this morning. “Auntie”, he said, “you need to do something fun for you, or maybe just take a walk.””
We continued talking and she had just about finished my order. As she handed me the last bag she said, “To make it worse, my Mother died when I was twenty. I have no one to talk to.” I looked her in the eyes and said. “Keep talking, she hears you, she is listening.” “I know” she said.
I headed out of the store, ventured home unpacked my groceries and started to make a dish that I was bringing to a friend’s house later. But all the while I couldn’t shake my newfound cashier friend. So I finished my cooking and grabbed a book from my bedside table. It was one that I had read early on in my process of re-emergence, “A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman”, by Joan Anderson. I have read it several times. I wrote a quick note on a post it and affixed it to the inside cover. It said:
“I hope that this brings you some peace and comfort. I found it helpful to know that I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings. If it doesn’t resonate just drop it in the mail.”
I included my address and headed back over to the store. I waited at the end of checkout lane number eight until she saw me standing there. I handed her the book and said. “I just had to come back. This book helped me. I hope it does the same for you.” She held it and looked at me with tears in her eyes. She said “Thank you, you are so sweet.” I gently touched her arm and said “You will be ok.” I turned and walked away.
Why did I do that? I really don’t know. Maybe it was the Universe telling me that it was my turn to throw out a life line to someone in need. I only hope that she grabs on, embraces it and realizes that she is not alone. Maybe just knowing that someone out there does hear, does care will be the catalyst for her to find her way.
I believe that there are no accidents in life. We are exactly where we are supposed to be at all times. There is a reason that I did not see any of my usual cashier friends, there is a reason that I chose checkout line number eight and there is a reason why I remained there when a cashier opened a new line.
I find it ironic that today, July 4th, Independence Day I decided to start this Blog. I have been thinking about if for a while, but I have always been insecure, scared and afraid of the reaction I will receive. I have learned so very much and gone through so very many changes these last several years that this is the next step. So here I go “stepping outside” of myself once again. Life is so much better, richer and fuller outside of that tight bud……
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