Entering the time that is called the “middle age” brings on so very many thoughts and emotions. It seems as if that one day you are a kid chasing dreams, ice cream trucks and balloons and before you know it you are learning to drive a car, then, you’re a college student, a young adult, and somehow you became a parent yourself. All of a sudden you wake up one day and BOOM; here you are a “middle aged person”. Now, how the hell did this happen?
As I have approached this time I’ve realized that the old scripts of my youth no longer sing true. They do not resonate with what I am feeling within, or who I am now. As women we have spent and devoted so many hours, days and years of our lives, our energy and our being in the pursuit of satisfying others. Now at this point in my life I find myself like that dried out sponge yearning for the rain to drizzle down and soak into my soul. I crave to be renewed and restored. I need this water, this nourishment from above to speak to me, show me a new way and renew my being. Each drop brings some sort of connection, clarity, calm and peace. It fills a piece of the new puzzle I call self.
In an attempt to quench my every increasing thirst I began MAKING time for me. I emphasize the making part, because prior I always had an excuse why I couldn’t do this or that. The next obligation was always looming. I had to do this, or I had to be there. All, to satisfy someone else. I realized that I needed to strike a balance in order to survive and move forward. I was of no use to others or I myself was totally depleted.
I began to make small changes. I did not say yes to every invitation. Oh, yes, I did have guilt for saying NO and changed my mind a few times, but for the most part I stuck by my original decision. It is difficult to consider your own feelings when you are conditioned to put everyone else first.
Last fall I began taking walks during my lunch hour instead of doing my usual running of errands for the family or my part time jobs. The one hour was devoted to me. It was about what I wanted to do, not what everyone else needed need from me.
I welcomed the route before me. I invited the sun, the clouds, the wind, the rain, or whoever decided to join us on a particular day. And now during these walks I brought along my small camera. While I was growing up I developed a love affair with photography. I even converted my Mother’s laundry room into a photographic dark room. Mom and I happily coexisted. Her laundry drying on the lines next to my home developed 8x10 black and white photos. Looking back, that time with my camera, the chemicals and the developer were magical. I actually watched the scene and photo develop before my eyes. Now at this age, I am feeling and sensing the growth and development within.
I do not believe that we ever walk our path alone. We are always watched over and guided, even when it seems as if we have been abandoned. Someone is always with us, carrying us during the difficult times. So, one November afternoon I took my lunch time walk with my camera in tow. I breathed in the crispness of the air. It was strong and it felt so very good. I yearned for freedom from those four walls that confined me and I prayed for peace. and all the while I was graced by an amazing autumn sun. As I walked along the path I snapped many photos. When I looked at the photos that evening and enlarged them to a full sized computer screen I was taken aback by one in particular. It was a message in the milkweed. The message was clear and strong. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. THERE ARE ANGELS WATCHING OVER YOU AND WALKING WITH YOU!!
Nothing stays the same. Not rising of the moon or the setting of the sun. The sanctuary or our youth passes quickly. So quickly that we don’t even recognize it. So, now I try to find the time each day to notice the beauty that is around me. However simple or complicated it may seem. Listen closely. There are messages and angels around. Open you heart and mind to them…..and if you need to, look to the milkweed to find them, they are there……………..
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